My 'Existential Crisis'

 You know, I'm one of those weirdoes who doesn't believe that 'climate change' is going to make mankind go extinct. I believe it is a good idea to take care of our planet and throw trash away and recycle and all that jazz, but I'm not on the 'climate change is going to kill us' bandwagon.   I've seen too many of these predictions not come anywhere even close to fruition to believe any new ones.   I just don't believe it is an 'existential crisis' like so many do.  

But this morning, September 13th, 2025, I'm having something of an existential crisis, personally.   As pretty much everyone knows, Charlie Kirk was ASSASSINATED on Wednesday.  I was looking on instagram and was watching one of his videos and actually saw his death in front of my own eyes.  When it happened, I was fast asleep because it was 3:23 a.m. in Seoul.  So, he had already been dead for three hours by the time that I--very unfortunately--watched the video.  

It was a traumatic scene for me, even though I was watching it online and 6,000 miles away.  It was obvious that he was dead, although the news I read just afterward told me that he was clinging to life.  Obviously, things didn't continue in that fashion.  Charlie is dead.

And--even just with that information, this situation was devastating.  Charlie was a person who was kind, smart, funny, and strove diligently to engage with EVERYONE from every political or religious background.  He wantead to debate and help change minds and get people to see the truth.  I realize that some of his detractors have hand-picked PARTS of his videos to make him look 'evil.'   One of my American co-workers (a young girl, about 24) said on Thursday that she didn't think it was right that he was killed, but he "was evil', so..."    Basically, that 'so ellipses' means, so it was justified.

CLEARLY, she didn't watch all his videos or she couldn't possibly have said that, right?  But here is where the REAL problem comes for me.  IMMEDIATELY, there were people like her (and some of my other co-workers) who were MUCH MORE vehement in their feelings about it.  I saw videos of people actually dancing jubilantly, cheering, giggling, crowing, and showing actual JOY about his death.  

I just DON'T understand.  Joining with friends the night of his death and chanting into a bullhorn "We shot Charlie in the neck" in the round, clapping, dancing, and cheering?  WHAT?  ellipses  WHAT?   

How can SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many American people have such hate-filled hearts?  It is astounding and appalling and devastating and HEART-BREAKING to see, especially because I--a 56 year-old American--have seen our nation do so much good in my time.  I have seen us step up to the challenge to help not only our own citizenry, but also other humans from ALL OVER THE WORLD.  I mean...HOW can we have stooped to this dog feces level?

We sent $3-4 BILLION to the survivors of the Christmas Day Thailand Tsunami.  We sent hundreds of millions to the victims of Hurricane Harvey in 2017 and I PERSONALLY saw  (because I lived in Houston at the time) uncountable people stopped and--on the side of Highway 10--lowering their personal boats into the flood waters so they could row out to help people who were living in the flood devastated areas of Southeast Texas. We gave 1.8 Billion after the 2010 Haitian earthquake.   AND we gave almost 7 Billion combined after the tragedies of Hurricane Katrina and 9/11.  We can CLEARLY be people with amazing hearts and capacity for good toward others.

Yet, we, now--in 2025--have become a nation with half of her people CELEBRATING the death of a person, while at the same time demanding retribution on a police officer/brave citizens for stopping  career criminal from continuing to harm others?  We have become people who will donate to go-fund-me accounts for men who brutally murder strangers because of the color of their skin?

What has my country become?  My existential crisis is this:  I don't know what is happening to my great nation.  What is wrong with her?  Where have her morals gone?  Where has her good-heartedness gone?  Where is her 'fight-for-the-underdog' gone?   Why does it feel as if we have become a stinking, steaming, hideous, pile of dog offal under the shoe of the world?   

My identity is strongly rooted in being a Christian, a veteran, and an American.  I feel such a deep loss. I feel a (weirdly) personal loss for Charlie Kirk, even though I never knew him.  I think it is because I knew he was working to help save our nation.  But I also feel a deeply disturbing and depressing loss of faith in my nation and her people.  How have we become so angry, hate-filled, vicious, and murderous?

What have we become?  WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?

whew...

 Life has been hectic, and--even though I did SO MUCH today--it's alreayd 8:58 p.m.   

I'm not ready to have to face another week of work.  I'm not ready to get up too early to do laundry.  

I have SO MANY things to do, both personally and professionally.  I feel like it never ends.  Does it feel that way to y'all, too?

I'm feeling a little frustrated because I KNOW i have things to do, and I WANT to do them, but I feel like I can't even sit down to write a list of what I need/want to do.     I think it would be helpful if I did.  I could tape it to the wall and check off boxes as I go.

Keep me in your prayers!!

Love y'all, 

The luckiest girl in the world

CTM, Day #6

 Tuesday, 29JUL25, 10:58 a.m. Hwagok-dong, Gangseo-gu, Seoul-si

Today is going to be hard.  Have you ever had to eat a liquid diet for 24 hours?  I am having a test at the doctor's tomorrow, so the only thing I can eat that is solid today  is a bowl of rice porridge around 3:30 p.m.  Then, at 7 p.m, I have to take 2 dulcolax tablets, then at 8 p.m., I have to drink 1 container of Miralax (or something like it, every 30 minutes for 1-1/2 hours, then at 4 a.m. I have to do ANOTHER one.  

I'm having several tests tomorrow, and--obviously--one of them is a colonoscopy.  I'm going to be sedated for it, and there going to do 2 more tests, I think while I'm under.

All I know is that I'm going to be VERY hungry by the time it is over.  I'm kind of halting between 2 sides about the aftermath.  I mean, I've been trying to change my eating lifestyle, and my brain wants to say 'Look! You're system will be empty! Start off on a good foot.  Cut up some carrots and cucumbers and thaw some lentils!" Bring it with you and you can eat it whenever the doc says you can. You'll be starting off really well!!"  and the other side of me is saying, "There is a KFC next door to the doctor's office.  Wouldn't mashed potatoes with gravy be GREAT!!"   Of course, potatoes are acceptable on the new diet lifestyle, so maybe if I paired it with a coleslaw, it would be okay??

I'm afraid of how today is going to go because I'm already very hungry and it is only just past 11 a.m.   Maybe I should take a nap?

Calling the Muses, Day # 6

 Hwagok-dong, Gangseo-gu, Seoul-si,  9:31 p.m. Friday, 25JUL25

I have fallen down on the job this week.  I think the last time I wrote was 8 days ago.  However, in my defense, this week has been EXTREMELY hectic.  We had a HUGE project with the kids, which I was mainly in charge of the execution of.    It is over now and the kids did very well, but I'll tell ya....I am GLAD it is over.   I learned some lessons, though.    Let me explain the week.

We had a song festival.  Since I'm the 'singing' teacher at my school, I was in charge of choosing the songs, teaching the kids the songs, and (me who has no skill) choreographing the dance moves.  

Strangely, the youngest two groups learned their songs the quickest. Of course, their songs were VERY easy.  Y'all have heard of "Oh, Mr. Sun" and "I am a baby giraffe" haven't ya?   Those were the sungs sung by Clover Class and Violet Class.  They are all 3 turning 4 years old.They did very well.  

The next oldest group did 'Fly Me To The Moon' and they learned the words and the movements SO well.  At first, the powers that be didn't think they could do it, but I knew they could. Plus, one of the things I REALLY want to do while I'm here is teach these kids some of the music I loved (and still love) from my childhood.   I know that Frank Sinatra is well before my time, but I listened to the oldies station just as much as the 80s station when I was a teen.  Tulip Class was the one who sang 'Fly Me To The Moon" and it was really great.  They are all 4 turning 5 and were AWESOME. I wish I could share the videos of them.

The Next class has 14 kids so they required that I teach them two songs, so that the class could be divided into two groups.  This class is Sunflower and I love ALL of them; however, that class is FILLED with BIG personalities and it is hard to keep them on task.  I have to use my 'mad mom' voice WAAAYYYY too often in there.   So, I chose 'L.O.VE.' by Nat King Cole for one group and we ended up with 'Don't Worry. Be Happy' for the other group. I had originally chosen 'Three Little Birds' by Bob Marley for group two, but the-powers-that-be decided it was too hard.  I tried to explain that it was TWO verses sung over and over again, but they vetoed it for the much harder and longer DWBH, which we ended up cutting down to just two verses anyway. 

The issue with Sunflower is really that there was twice the work to do in the same amount of time as the other classes had (namely 30 minutes once a week for 3/5-4 months) We ended up NOT getting the songs down until the VERY end of the prep time (basically...this week)  I think they ended up doing a great job, but then *I* am only worried about them having fun and looking mostly capable and NOT what the parents think or what all the other schools in our franchise think.   I think they were super, super, JINJA cute.  :)

The last class to perform was my DAISY class and we picked a song that we have been singing the entire year (since March 4th) and that was "Friday, I'm in Love" by the Cure.     They really did an awesome job and looked so cute and they really liked the song.  August is my last month for officially teaching them singing, as a class subject.  So, we’re covering ‘I will’ by the Beatles and ‘Puff, the Magic Dragon’ by Peter, Paul, and Mary.  So, far they are liking the new songs

I think it ended up being a really cool song festival.  Thankfully, it is over and I was informed of several things a) I won't be teaching singing for the second semester for Sunflower and Daisy. They won't be having ANY singing classes.  Instead, I'll be doing a kindergarten version of an Essay Writing class for them. HOWEVER, we will have another song festival in Late January AND Daisy Class will sing a song at their graduation ceremony on February 26th.   I WILL be in charge of that and I'm pondering which songs to choose.  I want something that says "Yes. We're in kindergarten, but the world is our oyster and we're going out to make it a better place"    So far, I've thought of Natasha Bedingfield (sp:) 'Unwritten', but it IS really long.  I suppose it could be shortened to have fewer verses.   Do y'all have any ideas for songs?

Also, as a total aside,  I've been praying and would love it if y'all would pray (or send good thoughts) that I and my co-workers can find jobs next year where there are very few reasons for us to complain about anything.   I'd like to find a job near the water (I'm considering Busan/Haundae/Mokpo) where  they understand that we're fairly intelligent and capable if we got all the way over here and that they  give us the support we need, but not try to micromanage every single, tiny aspect of the job.  I'd love to be respected and be in a school where they engender loyalty and where we the teachers and they, the powers-that-be, can work together to continue building a school that will really make the world a better place.  I really want to find a school where I can possibly stay until I'm ready to leave Korea.   Keep that kind of thing on your prayer list, won't ya?   

Okay, It's nearing my bedtime. I've got to go teach five young girls at a children's home in the morning.  

Love y'all!

Calling the Muses, # 5

 

17JUL25  Hwagok-dong, Gangseo-gu, Seoul-si.  6:33 a.m. (Thursday)

If it weren't for the fact that Fridays are Fridays, Thursdays would be my favorite day of the week at this school.   I get 2 thirty minute prep periods instead of just 1, and I have a whole hour after the regular day ends.   We're at the end of the month, so there is naturally a lot of grading to do.  Plus, the September schedule is due at the end of the first week of August.  PLUS, I'm in charge of the Song Festival.  We're down to 4 days to practice because NEXT WEDNESDAY is the Song Festival.   I also have to memorize my 'host' speech to be given in  between each performance.

I have a LOT to do for school PLUS two of my students are moving to America after the Summer Break, so I have to work on their paintings. Last year, I personally painted each of my  students one of my child-like bird paintings and I want to be able to give one to Chloe and Joshua before they leave, also.  So, as you can prolly read, the next week will be full of stuff to do.  

I also just found out that I'll probably have to teach writing to my two oldest classes next semester, instead of singing.  Especially considering that one of those abovementioned classes is SUNFLOWER, I'm feeling a bit intimidated.  There are 14 kids and each lesson has to be done in 30 minutes.  SIGH. I basically have to turn into a drill sergeant with this class.  But...I LOVE the kids. I just REALLY don't like the way that the 'powers-that-be' think that all this can be done in the time allotted.  It is REALLY too much.  AND knowing which person in my chain of command is choosing the books that I'll be teaching from....I don't have a lot of faith that a book will be chosen that will be reasonably done in the class time.   

Thankfully, I WILL have 9 whole days off of work beginning on the 26th, but it won't be entirely restful.  On the 30th, I have one of those doctor's appointments where they check EVERYTHING.  I'll have some heart tests, a colonoscopy, my normal diabetic check-up, and one or two other things.  SIGH.  Then on Friday, the 1st, I'll have a dental appointment.  That one isn't so bad cos I scheduled it at 11 a.m. and then afterwards, I can go straight to Taco Amigo and have my normal birthday lunch. After that, I'l take a very long subway ride ( 2 hours and 30 minutes (Seoul Metro is huge!!!) Guess I'll have to study my languages!) to the island where Incheon Airport is and stay at a hotel about 350 feet from the beach.  I'm really excited.  

Anyway, that is enough for today.  I love y'all!!

Calling the Muses, Day # 4

So, it looks like some mornings are busier than others, so I don't always get to this project every day.   I feel like that if I keep working on writing every day, then eventually, I'll be able to finish  several books in the 'Hunter, the hero bird' series and maybe go to a publisher to see if they would publish them.  Worst comes to worse, I can self publish (print upon  purchase) on lulu.com. Anyway, I'm trying to show up for myself (and my future self) as often as possible. 

As you know, I'm a kindergarten teacher in Seoul.   The job is hard and challenging, but mostly due to the administration and NOT the children.   I just love them.  They have such good hearts!  The other day, one of them--we'll call him Rex--sort of hugged me around the knees.  He is SO strong, though, at 4 years old, that he moved a certain way and we both fell down.  I scraped my right forearm and I got a huge lesion on my right knee (which has--by the way--received many, many, many, many similar lesions throughout the years).   It is a little swollen and infected while it is healing, but life goes on.  

What makes me smile so much is that--upon sitting down after the fall and injury--nearly ALL of the female students in my class (between ages 3-6) came up to me and were 'patting' me as if to comfort me, giving me kisses on my hands, and saying 'It's all right!"

Even yesterday--a full 4 days after the fall--when they saw the (now scar) on my knee, they tried to 'kiss it to make it better.'   It was so sweet.  Of course, I told them to kiss their hands and touch it, instead of using their lips on my scarred knee, but it was definitely sweet and the thought counted quite a bit   

Just in case, I haven't told you--I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Day 3 (but 'calendarly' 5...i didn't write yesterday

Sunday, 13JUL25 5:53 p.m. Hwagok-dong, Gangseo-gu, Seoul-Si

I remember once--when I was in the Air Force and stationed at the Air Force Academy--that I was talking to one of the sergeants who was also stationed there and working in the X-ray department with me.  We were walking out to our vehicles and heading back to the dorms. (Well, she MIGHT have been going to an apartment or home. I can't remember if she lived in the dorms or not--I think not, though.)   Anyway, I can't remember how this subject came up, but I responded to something she said with something similar to "There isn't anything really i feel that makes me feel like getting up in the morning"   I was NOT telling her I wanted to kill myself or anything, but I just didn't feel like life was all that great.

In some SMALL ways, I feel similarly now.  I DO love teaching.  I DON'T love the overall environment at work. It is slightly toxic and full of drama.  I'm kinda afraid that working here in Korea will ALWAYS be like this.  I don't have close friends and am struggling with finding friends that I can be close with. And I'm struggling with learning the language which would PROBABLY help with that making friends thing, ya know?   

I always feel tired and I'm struggling with making sure I treat my body well in regard to what I put in it and the exercise I give to it.  Creatively, I don't really feel like I'm doing much to 'exercise' that muscle either.  I have nebulous plans to do things in the future, but...sometimes I'm not sure how to make them happen.

I will admit that I"m studying languages pretty often and now I"m writing nearly every day in hope that I'll be inspired to work on a few more "Hunter, the Hero Bird' books, but I struggle with eating right and getting enough rest, and basically doing things that will make my life one which is THRIVING.  

I keep trying, but I--sometimes--feel like the effort is fruitless at this moment.    I don't want to give up, though.  Any advice?

Thanks for letting me vent.   

Love y'all!