Grasping Hope

 Grasping Hope

17FEB2009

I was sitting at the Mickey D's this morning reading a boring textbook and sipping a diet coke. I noticed movement on my right and looked up to see a man--about fifty--walking along, slowly and with a peculiar gait.

It wasn't until he passed me completely that I noticed the reason for his odd walk.  Beside him, on his right, hobbled along an older man whose gnarled hand grasped a wooden cane.  The second man was older--about 22 or 23 years or so--and had the exact same profile as the first man. I imagined that they were father and son.

The son walked in an off-balanced way because his left hand sat on his Daddy's side and his right one grasped a bit of the fabric at the back of his father's jeans. He was like the human version of a pair of training wheels.

Upon seeing this sight of familial cre, my heart filled right up to the brim with sentimentality. I love these moments when the small cynical side of me is reminded of the basic goodness of human beings. I wanted to cry with happiness; and, in the end, I did.

The Road to Taiwan: Lunar New Year--The Year of the Ox

                                                               This gif is from giphy

Today is the first day of the Asian New Year. It is the 'Year of the Ox.'  I think that is so apropos this year, especially with me, personally. I know I have talked all about this plan to many of y’all, but--perhaps--there are some of you who don't know what my plans are for this year.

I'll start by telling a story.  Rachel, Jude, Ezra, and I were all stuck at home due to Covid lockdowns from 20MAR20 through 03May20.  It was during this time that Rachel (my awesome friend of 20 years) kept nagging me (well, reminding me, really) that I only have three classes left to finish my Bachelor's degree.  She encouraged me to think about finishing that task because it could change my world. Then she reminded me of something else. Once the hoops were jumped, this would be easy. All the schools were doing classes online!  It took me a few days to see the wisdom of her words, but I finally agreed and started jumping through what seemed like 80 thousand, 829 quadrillion, 256 hoops. And I did it! I was admitted to Texas State for Summer 1 and completed 2 of my final 3 classes. I got a B in Short Story and an A in film.  Then...I took American Literature from the beginning to Civil War and got an A. I finished all my classes!  One kind of annoying thing here. I didn't realize that I needed to sign up for Graduation by early October, so I wasn't allowed to walk the stage.  It's not too late for a May (probably hot) graduation, though. It is supposed to be May 25th, so anyone who is interested, start planning the journey!! I can't believe how long this journey has taken me!  I began college in Autumn of 1992; however, my first college credits were earned from January to March of 1988 during Air Force Basic Training. They were Physical Training credits!  So, it has taken me from January of 1988 to December of 2020 to take this journey. (even though I won't officially graduate until May of 2021). But this journey was taken! and will be completely complete (LOL) 3 months!!!

But that is only half of the story.  Part of the reason that I took the journey anyway is because I finally realized what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be an adventurer! A teacher! A writer! I've always wanted to do each of those things. I was always scared away from pursuing these paths, though. I've always been my own worst enemy and my own biggest detractor! I guess the benefit of becoming old(er) is that you understand life a little better. I'm not as scared anymore.  I can actually do these things I've always thought I couldn't. So, here is what is going on...and WHY the Year of the Ox is so significant for me:

My plan is to finish my TEFL certification (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) and move to Taiwan in August to teach English for a living, to travel around Taiwan and other countries during my vacations and to have a blog about all the things I'm experiencing!  Adventure? Check. Teaching? Check. Writing? Check!!

I've chosen Taiwan because it has a pretty low cost of living, so even though I'm adventuring, I can likely save a decent amount of money for when I'm tired of adventuring, teaching, and writing and want to move back home to a small beach town in Texas (or Florida).  However, I have a (different--not Rachel) friend of 20 years who lives there with his Taiwanese wife in the north part of the Island. And, my cousin, Michael, married a Taiwanese girl a year or two ago and she has family in the south part of the Island. I'll have people who already care about me when I get there!  I'm not afraid to move halfway across the world. I've visited countries halfway across the world (England, Kenya, Tanzania)--or a few hours away (Mexico, Jamaica, Trinidad & Tobago) several times in my life, but I think moving and living there would be easier to do if you already have people who love you where you're going!  

I'm very excited about this plan.  I'm working hard at learning Mandarin and finishing my Tefl courses and working to save enough money to be able to get there safely and live for a month or two before my first check comes along, (along with all the first month’s rent, electric/water/sewage payments, etc.).  I CANNOT wait!  I'll admit that there are times I feel a little anxious about this plan.  (worst enemy, biggest detractor, remember?)  But, in my heart, I know I can do it!  I am the product of Paul & Candy, and of Pattalee, and of Lee Smith Martin, and of Gilbert & Leola, and of Claude & Millie, and of John & Paralee, and of my highly intelligent, strong, and capable sisters and brothers (all six of them!), and of so many of my Christian friends and family. I come from some seriously good stock. (Am I allowed to say that?) I can do this and do it well!

That is why this Year of the Ox is so significant. Oxen are strong and helpful. I am like an ox in this new venture. I'm strong enough to go and accomplish this plan. And, I'm a person who likes helping others. I'm so excited to be helping kids (no matter where they live) become people who live their best lives and have hearts to help others.  I've had a few people who have been negative about my plan.  (You're getting educated in America, but you're going to teach ANOTHER nation's children?)  But children are children. People are people. No matter how they look. No matter what language they speak. We are all God's creations. I am channeling my inner ox and FINALLY going to do something that will make the world a better place, one child at a time.  

So, anyway, y'all...that is what is going on with me! And--to reiterate the felicitations!!--Happy Year of the Ox!  

Youtube is the Devil...sometimes

 Over the course of the past years, I’m sure y'all have heard me say, “Twitter is The Devil” or “Facebook is The Devil.” Obviously, they aren’t literally the Devil, but they are so CONSUMING that I waste time--hours, even--in their enticing pages. Today, I discovered another devil--Youtube.  

I don’t know about y’all, but I can go look up ONE thing and then be there for hours looking at video after video or listening to song after song (or the same song over and over again) for what seems like hours.  Or I might watch soldier after soldier come home to see their wives or mothers or children or dogs and just cry and cry. Or I might watch multiple compilations of some Tik Tok challenge. For some reason, one of my favorite Tik Tok challenges is the “Kiss your best friend” video ( basically, telling them you like them). I’m not sure why I like them, but I do.

Last weekend, I came home from work and got caught up in Youtube again. I can’t remember why I started there, but I eventually clicked on a video of a married daughter telling her parents that she was pregnant. And then I clicked on another one and another one and another one.  And then--suddenly--I was filled with so much grief. I was sitting in my room, crying over things that I’ll never have. I’m never going to be able to come up with some awesome way to tell my parents that they’re going to be grandparents. I’ll never have Mom be so excited over the prospect of me being a mom. I’ll never have my husband be so super excited about being a Dad. I’ll never have someone love me with the same ferocity, appreciation, and longevity as I feel toward my parents.

I’ll say that I know it is good that I never married any of the men who I dated. We wouldn’t have been good. Usually, I am perfectly content with my life, but there are moments--like these ones, where I am in my room sobbing over the loss of what we’re all supposed to experience in this life which I will never have--when I am just beyond overwhelmed, and rendered nearly nonfunctional, by such grief at all the things I’ve missed in life.  

How do I get over this kind of feeling?  I wish I knew.