Youtube is the Devil...sometimes

 Over the course of the past years, I’m sure y'all have heard me say, “Twitter is The Devil” or “Facebook is The Devil.” Obviously, they aren’t literally the Devil, but they are so CONSUMING that I waste time--hours, even--in their enticing pages. Today, I discovered another devil--Youtube.  

I don’t know about y’all, but I can go look up ONE thing and then be there for hours looking at video after video or listening to song after song (or the same song over and over again) for what seems like hours.  Or I might watch soldier after soldier come home to see their wives or mothers or children or dogs and just cry and cry. Or I might watch multiple compilations of some Tik Tok challenge. For some reason, one of my favorite Tik Tok challenges is the “Kiss your best friend” video ( basically, telling them you like them). I’m not sure why I like them, but I do.

Last weekend, I came home from work and got caught up in Youtube again. I can’t remember why I started there, but I eventually clicked on a video of a married daughter telling her parents that she was pregnant. And then I clicked on another one and another one and another one.  And then--suddenly--I was filled with so much grief. I was sitting in my room, crying over things that I’ll never have. I’m never going to be able to come up with some awesome way to tell my parents that they’re going to be grandparents. I’ll never have Mom be so excited over the prospect of me being a mom. I’ll never have my husband be so super excited about being a Dad. I’ll never have someone love me with the same ferocity, appreciation, and longevity as I feel toward my parents.

I’ll say that I know it is good that I never married any of the men who I dated. We wouldn’t have been good. Usually, I am perfectly content with my life, but there are moments--like these ones, where I am in my room sobbing over the loss of what we’re all supposed to experience in this life which I will never have--when I am just beyond overwhelmed, and rendered nearly nonfunctional, by such grief at all the things I’ve missed in life.  

How do I get over this kind of feeling?  I wish I knew.