So, time to be deeply real

 I'm really sorry that this is my first blog about Korea.  I just HAVE to write it. I'm not trying to complain, okay?  I just feel like, if I get all these feelings out, then maybe I can start to feel better (and MAYBE my phone will charge while I'm doing it.)

I feel a little demoralized.  I feel lonely here because I don't know enough of the language to communicate regularly with people.  My phone was giving me troubles for two weeks and then I thought I fixed it and it turns out that the new (old) phone I'm now using doesn't like to take charge very easily and it runs through battery quickly.  I can use the one I have been using in the states after the 17th (it is locked to the cricket system until then --six months after I bought it.)

When I got the phone 'fixed', I was so happy because I haven't been going anywhere or doing anything that couldn't be done with me walking there. I didn't want to be somewhere far from 'home' where I couldn't communicate (using my google translator) So, I didn't go to the Mexican food restaurant I wanted to visit. I didn't go to Busan for worship. I didn't go visit the national museum. Nothing that couldn't be done in a less than hour walk.  

Also, I haven't really made friends with my co-workers.  They are nice enough people, but one is the boss and the other (i think) is maybe an introvert and/or shy and(ridiculously, I know--I kinda think she thinks she is better than me and it weirds me out the way she interacts with me, but it could be the shy/introvert thing???) we haven't connected.  I thought I made friends with worker at a local family owned grocery store, but the other day, she actually physically (not hard, though) pushed me out of the store, telling me in Korean than I should go home and eat.  I'm sure that she was just trying to restock shelves before closing, but it still hurt my feelings and....I'm ridiculous, but this is how I felt.  She rejected me or something. yeah?  silly. I know. But it was just another layer to my feelings of disconnect.

I have wanted to cry a lot lately. (however, it is possible that my hormones are doing their normal monthly thing, just in an unusual spot--everything about that has been unusual lately)  The technology issues have been bugging me.  The refrigerator has been going on and off, on and off, and I know they know it needs fixing and I think they spoke with someone, but it's not getting fixed and so I don't want to buy food and have it wasted. I have wasted enough already. I can make eggs and oatmeal and have cereal, but all those things (except oatmeal) will go bad if the refrigerator is suddenly not keeping things  cool, ya know?  So, I've been eating a lot of junk cos it doesn't need a fridge.

Speaking of eating, we're doing Summer Camp at work (which means we work four extra hours from 10 -2 before our regular schedule) and the boss always feeds us at noon.  I haven't been able to get my taste buds around the food. Of course, I can always just eat rice, but then there is my diabetes. Every other restaurant is a coffee/bakery.  I can't eat that stuff all the time!!!!  I have only found a few places I can trust to eat without ending up leaving it  mostly uneaten...and they are things like subway and a burger spot and a chicken spot, but even their chicken is spicy.   I feel like a fat, oily, ball of ugly,  unhappy, unopen to new experiences (food) even thought I'm HERE, in KOREA, totally living a new experience.    I WANT to be able to cook food I like at home, but the fridge thing.... I feel like I might be gaining all my weight back... but I haven't gotten a scale yet, so I don't know.

and then there is today. Saturday 30JUL22 (Neville Longbottom's birthday, by the way) I was so excited to have this trip to Seoul.  I left the house early enough. I made it on the bus in time. I got to the KTX train station with 30 minutes to spare. SURELY, I would find my train, yeah? Nope.  No one could find it. It turns out that there is ANOTHER train station in Daegu and I had tickets at THAT station.  So, I stood in a longish line and finally got to the counter and she told me I was at the wrong station. I paid a fee to change the ticket and (since I had a ticket on the ITX--cheaper, and the replacement ticket was on the KTX--more expensive) I paid the extra and made it to my gate in plenty of time. I had a seat next to a nice young Korean man.  I studied Korean on my computer the whole time. I feel like I could tell you what office, department store, daycare, and a bunch of other things are. I spent nearly the whole 2 hour train ride studying.  So, that is a plus for today, yeah?  

But, this morning, my phone would only get up to 70 percent--never any higher.   and the minute I left the house, I started losing charge like CRAZY.  By the time I reached seoul (4 hours after I left the house, even with all the rigamarole) I was down to about 20 %. I took all the rest (down to 7 percent) to get from the KTX station in Seoul to my hotel--the lovely Seoul Garden Hotel (which is beautiful) 

They don't have chargers that work with my american stuff, so when I'm finished writing this note, I'll have no power on my computer until I get home. :(   I also cant' get the TV. to work in the hotel.  they have a few English speaking channels, but they are things like CNN and BBC, totally liberal crazy channels.  they do have national geographic, so if I can ever get the t.v. to work, I'll watch that.   I want to go out and explore. i want to find a place to eat, but there is only 14% charge on my phone now and it seem to be taking forever. However, at least it is now taking charge. I think the trick is that I have to put my phone with the top of the phone on the surface of the table so that the charge, by gravity, fits into the phone's port.   

I can do without the t.v. and the computer, if i must.  I can always knit or write my mom a letter or study with my flashcards, or answer prompts from the 'empowering questions' gift card set I got from a friend for my 50th birthday, but I WANT to be out walking around Seoul, seeing the sights, and breathing in the experiences, ya know?   I feel so.....like I have NO CONTROL over anything and I feel like I'm on an island in the middle of a large lake. I can see people. they're waving at me, but I can't hear them and we can't communicate and I'm sitting here alone.   

I don't like this feeling. Needless to say, I feel a little miserable.  I probably knew this would happen, but it is hard, just the same. I'm saying it straight up.  I'm struggling with feeling happy right now. It is HARD to be here in Korea, basically alone.  I've handled being alone before and it is likely that I have felt this way before, but just don't remember it.

That being said.  I'm the daughter of Paul and Candy Ford.  I'll figure this out.  I'll make it work. I know what I need to do--really. I need to work harder on learning Korean.  I probably need to walk (at home) even more than I do cos physical exercise is always good. I  need to get on the meet-up sights to make friends so we can do 'language exchange' dinners.   Once I get the phone situation worked out, I need to call the gal (and her husband) whom I met at the Seattle airport (and with whom I traveled all the way to Incheon Airport and start doing weekly language Zoom calls.  There is everything to do, but I feel arrested in this moment with no power on my phone, no way to communicate, and it feels like those things are my whole life and that I am paralyzed.    

Maybe y'all could do some extra praying for me?   I know this will work out. It'll all be good, eventually.  So, just keep throwing me the Barnabus vibes, wouldja?    

P.S. Later I'll write a more upbeat post about the trip to Seoul (hopefully, with some photos, but we'll see since the phone is acting up.) and I'll share whatever is good about this weekend's adventure.  Maybe I'll l get out of my funk soon!

From the Cobwebs: Letters of Sanity

 Sanity Letters: Dear Grand-Dork

Dear Clueless,

So, you want to threaten to kick me out of your kin's home just because

I asked nicely not to call me "L.L." (because it has always been something

with which I've been uncomfortable---And when I asked…you cussed in

response!!) and because I asked you to give me two days after payday

before you start asking me for the rent? (you know….so I actually have a

chance to go get the money from the bank??) Well, I happen to think

these two things are pretty easily done, but hey….if you can't handle some

common niceness and want to be offended and threaten to kick me

out; you are welcome to do it.

But, before you do the threatenin'…let's take stock, Grand-dork:

Please be aware that my figures might not be exactly perfect, but

I'm trying to make a point.

1-I cook breakfast for your kin and clean the kitchen every morning,

seven days a week. I scrambled egg whites with fresh cut mushrooms

and onions. Sometimes, it's in taco form. I make muffins or fry bacon

on occasion. If she wants cereal or oatmeal, she gets it. Even when I

have to be at work at 5 a.m., I make her breakfast before I leave. I sit

down to eat with her (unless I'm at work) because she is lonely and

misses her husband and likes to have someone around who will say

the prayer before the meal (because her husband always did it) and

with whom she can talk and eat and share the paper. Please be

aware, Grand-Dork, I don't always want to get up that early on my

day off to eat breakfast so early, but guess what? I do it because that

is what is best for HER! Are you willing to be here every morning at

7:15(or earlier) for that event? That's about 7 hours a week. Just to

be generous, I'll say 6 hours a week, 24 hrs a mo.

2-I do or have done 1 to 6 loads of laundry for your kin each week,

depending on where she was in her healing process. I also did the

same amount of sheet changing, (heavy) body lifting out of the

bed to the chair (and then back) whilst I changed the bed sheets,

clothes or undergarments. I cleaned up the messes your kin

made if the bathroom couldn't be made in time. I brushed hair

and plenty of other items like take out the trash, go get the mail,

fetch water, milk, or powerade or a snack upon request etc. etc. etc.

Granted, it doesn't happen near as much now, but it happened

for quite a while there. Let's say 8 hours a week just to be nice.

So, 32 hrs. a mo. That figure is an average of the last three mos.

3-I cook a lunch for your kin and do the subsequent dishes two

to five days a week…usually with fixings I buy. Please note that

I make her fresh homemade meals with vegetables (because she

LIKES fresh vegetables and is constantly --constantly saying she

is craving a homecooked meal with vegetables--are you listening?)

Meals like grilled chicken with asparagus and mashed potatoes

or stuffed acorn squash with fresh mushroom and garlic or

homemade pinto beans and cornbread. I DO NOT continually

buy her Pizza Hut, Dan's Hamburgers, Taco Cabana and Whataburger

when it is MY turn to take care of lunch. So, let's say 3 hours a week.

12 hrs. a mo.

4-Each payday, I buy a bit of food so that I can make the aforementioned

meals. On two different trips to the grocery store this past Thursday

and Friday, I spent $36 and some change on items both grocery

and non-grocery which will benefit all members of this household,

including you, Grand-Dork. I buy food every pay period. Let's

just generalize and say I spend about $50 a mo. on items for

everyone. I spend at least 2 hours a month shopping and I

drive my own car to do so. I'm not going to count the

gasoline because that would be too hard to calculate.

So, 2 hrs a mo. On shopping.

Now, before we continue, I'd like to state that I don't mind

doing all these things, and I don't mind not being reimbursed.

Not at all. Not like SOME people who get paid $400 a month

to take care of their own kin…and get the gas tank of their

huge gas guzzling car filled by said kin because you "run around

taking care of all of kin's errands." I do it because I love her, she

needs it done, and it is the right thing to do.

I'm just trying to get across this idea, Grand-Dork: If you had

to pay a stranger for all of the things I do FOR FREE and FROM

MY HEART, you'd be paying for 70 hours worth of work to a

HOME HEALTH AIDE and you'd probably be re-imbursing the

grocery costs. So…..it's figure time.

So if you had to add up the services I've render and the groceries

I buy, we're talking $750 a month. (And please note that this

figure does not include the rent I pay.) That is, Grand-Dork,

$750.00 worth of stuff YOU don't have to do (or pay for)

because I do it….for free!!!! You once told me after I returned

from an 8 day vacation to church camp and a family reunion

that you missed me….that you'd had the hardest time because

you had to do everyone's work. You told me to NEVER leave

again. You said you'd PAY me to stay next time I wanted to go.

So, I guess since she doesn't need us as much now…. I'm

suddenly dispensable and you can treat me disrespectfully??

'Fraid that ain't gonna happen, Captain Selfish. After your

loud hollerin' claims of ownership of her home today and your

semi-veiled threats to kick me out, she told me that she'd

straightened you out. She reassured me quite nicely that it is

HER choice whether or not I go…not yours. It's a good thing

SHE knows what's best for her. I'm really glad she doesn't have

to depend solely on you. I don't know what her world would come to if that

happened.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. I realize that you are a pushy bully and you think you can

do whatever you want to do. And with me, I understand why

you probably think so. I'm a pleaser and I usually give in to what

other people want. However, I warn you: Don't think I won't

eventually stand up and defend myself. If I'm pushed unreasonably

for long enough, I"ll bite back in the nicest way possible. You can

rest assured on that one, Buster

P.P.S. I think, perhaps, you are unaware of something kind of important

, Grand-Dork, the way you responded to me shows your character.

If you get angry and start cussing and threatening people when

they (in a steady easy tone of voice) to only use one letter instead

of two when you write them notes because the certain two you use

bothers them and always has) AND/OR you get angry when they ask

you to give them a chance to do something they've already planned

to do anyway (because when you jump on them giving them no

chance to do it, it makes them feel like you think they are liars who

don't intend to keep their word and you have to remind them that

you're on to them). When these things make you angry enough

to start yelling especially when the requests WERE NOT made in

anything close to a yelling format, you show your character.

If I were not to mention things and just let them fester, that would

be bad. I"m willing to communicate with you about somethat that

bothers me. YOu just yell and threaten and start putting your 300

pound bulk right up in my face trying to intimidate me. It ain't

gonna work, Buster. So take your "non-chubby" self and get away,

please. How hard is it really to do the small things I asked if it would

make me happy? You say you'll continue to lie to your kin if it means

that it keeps her happy. Seems to me that what I"ve asked is a lot

EASIER than lying, but maybe that isn't the case for you, Sir.

From the Cobwebs: Even Though

16JUL09

I have left them, these people whom I love
and I’m driving south toward the bed which
awaits me in my cozy home.
Tears are sliding down my face as I drive.
These tears are ones of joy and sorrow mingled together.
And I wonder—as Ron did—how a person can feel so many different
things so intensely and not explode?
And I wonder when things are finally going to get easier.
And I wonder IF things are ever going to get easier,
Or if I should just give up as a bad job my Pollyanna-ish world view
That everything is eventually going to be just fine.
You know--Just accept that it is a naïve pipe dream which will never come true.

And, I'll be honest, as I drive, those mingled tears keep on falling out of my eyes.
And the world keeps spinning, steadily, on her axis.
And I keep on driving down the road toward home.
Even though I’m crying,
I keep on driving.

The Wonders of Wordology

 Have you ever had one of those moments--perhaps while in college full-time--when some of what you're learning in one class overlaps into another class? A semi-recent example I can remember from my own life was the breathing/warm-up exercise which I learned in acting class which was also used--in a slightly altered form--in my voice and diction class. Sometimes--more rarely--something in history would show up in a literature class IF we happened to be studying things in the same era. The same thing is happening in my "real" life right now. Here are some things I have learned:

A) Lavandino means "sink" in Italian. I had heard--on airplanes--of restrooms being called "lavatories", so I didn't really think twice about it. But, when I began reading about lavender in my garden book "The Bountiful Container"( Stuckey and McGee, 2003),(thanks Vicky!) I was amazed at the intriguing tidbits I learned.

"The herb we call lavender is not named for the color, even though most of its flowers
are lavender-hued. Rather, it is the other way around: the color is named for the
plant.
The genus name, Lavandula, is derived from the Latin verb lavare, meaning
"to wash." Through many centuries, starting with the ancient Greeks and Romans,
homemakers have included lavender in the rinse water to impart a clean fragrance
to the household linens; they didn't know it, but they were also disinfecting.
Lavender was used in medieval times to clean the air in musty sick-rooms, and
was one of the most popular "strewing herbs" (scattered over the floor and allowed
to dry, for an air freshener).
Initially, it was the clean fragrance that appealed, and there was also a general
sense that the presence of lavender in a sickroom was healthful. Until the
beginning of the twentieth century, lavender was even used to dress battlefield
wounds.
Now, modern science has verified that the herb does indeed have antiseptic
properties, and so those long-ago homemakers had the right instinct.

B) During Eight Grade, I was in choir. And I have been singing often for the last 18 1/2 years since I became a Christian. The term "sotto voce" was taught--and done--plenty of times throughout the years. It means "a dramatic lowering of the voice." It isn't quite as quiet as pianissimo, but still--pretty quiet. It was, therefore, supremely easy for me to learn the Italian word for "under" which is "sotto." Strangely, though I learned them at the same time, I have a harder time remembering the word for "on" and "in." I think "in" is "negli" but I"m not sure. I'll have to re-do that section, I believe!