So, time to be deeply real

 I'm really sorry that this is my first blog about Korea.  I just HAVE to write it. I'm not trying to complain, okay?  I just feel like, if I get all these feelings out, then maybe I can start to feel better (and MAYBE my phone will charge while I'm doing it.)

I feel a little demoralized.  I feel lonely here because I don't know enough of the language to communicate regularly with people.  My phone was giving me troubles for two weeks and then I thought I fixed it and it turns out that the new (old) phone I'm now using doesn't like to take charge very easily and it runs through battery quickly.  I can use the one I have been using in the states after the 17th (it is locked to the cricket system until then --six months after I bought it.)

When I got the phone 'fixed', I was so happy because I haven't been going anywhere or doing anything that couldn't be done with me walking there. I didn't want to be somewhere far from 'home' where I couldn't communicate (using my google translator) So, I didn't go to the Mexican food restaurant I wanted to visit. I didn't go to Busan for worship. I didn't go visit the national museum. Nothing that couldn't be done in a less than hour walk.  

Also, I haven't really made friends with my co-workers.  They are nice enough people, but one is the boss and the other (i think) is maybe an introvert and/or shy and(ridiculously, I know--I kinda think she thinks she is better than me and it weirds me out the way she interacts with me, but it could be the shy/introvert thing???) we haven't connected.  I thought I made friends with worker at a local family owned grocery store, but the other day, she actually physically (not hard, though) pushed me out of the store, telling me in Korean than I should go home and eat.  I'm sure that she was just trying to restock shelves before closing, but it still hurt my feelings and....I'm ridiculous, but this is how I felt.  She rejected me or something. yeah?  silly. I know. But it was just another layer to my feelings of disconnect.

I have wanted to cry a lot lately. (however, it is possible that my hormones are doing their normal monthly thing, just in an unusual spot--everything about that has been unusual lately)  The technology issues have been bugging me.  The refrigerator has been going on and off, on and off, and I know they know it needs fixing and I think they spoke with someone, but it's not getting fixed and so I don't want to buy food and have it wasted. I have wasted enough already. I can make eggs and oatmeal and have cereal, but all those things (except oatmeal) will go bad if the refrigerator is suddenly not keeping things  cool, ya know?  So, I've been eating a lot of junk cos it doesn't need a fridge.

Speaking of eating, we're doing Summer Camp at work (which means we work four extra hours from 10 -2 before our regular schedule) and the boss always feeds us at noon.  I haven't been able to get my taste buds around the food. Of course, I can always just eat rice, but then there is my diabetes. Every other restaurant is a coffee/bakery.  I can't eat that stuff all the time!!!!  I have only found a few places I can trust to eat without ending up leaving it  mostly uneaten...and they are things like subway and a burger spot and a chicken spot, but even their chicken is spicy.   I feel like a fat, oily, ball of ugly,  unhappy, unopen to new experiences (food) even thought I'm HERE, in KOREA, totally living a new experience.    I WANT to be able to cook food I like at home, but the fridge thing.... I feel like I might be gaining all my weight back... but I haven't gotten a scale yet, so I don't know.

and then there is today. Saturday 30JUL22 (Neville Longbottom's birthday, by the way) I was so excited to have this trip to Seoul.  I left the house early enough. I made it on the bus in time. I got to the KTX train station with 30 minutes to spare. SURELY, I would find my train, yeah? Nope.  No one could find it. It turns out that there is ANOTHER train station in Daegu and I had tickets at THAT station.  So, I stood in a longish line and finally got to the counter and she told me I was at the wrong station. I paid a fee to change the ticket and (since I had a ticket on the ITX--cheaper, and the replacement ticket was on the KTX--more expensive) I paid the extra and made it to my gate in plenty of time. I had a seat next to a nice young Korean man.  I studied Korean on my computer the whole time. I feel like I could tell you what office, department store, daycare, and a bunch of other things are. I spent nearly the whole 2 hour train ride studying.  So, that is a plus for today, yeah?  

But, this morning, my phone would only get up to 70 percent--never any higher.   and the minute I left the house, I started losing charge like CRAZY.  By the time I reached seoul (4 hours after I left the house, even with all the rigamarole) I was down to about 20 %. I took all the rest (down to 7 percent) to get from the KTX station in Seoul to my hotel--the lovely Seoul Garden Hotel (which is beautiful) 

They don't have chargers that work with my american stuff, so when I'm finished writing this note, I'll have no power on my computer until I get home. :(   I also cant' get the TV. to work in the hotel.  they have a few English speaking channels, but they are things like CNN and BBC, totally liberal crazy channels.  they do have national geographic, so if I can ever get the t.v. to work, I'll watch that.   I want to go out and explore. i want to find a place to eat, but there is only 14% charge on my phone now and it seem to be taking forever. However, at least it is now taking charge. I think the trick is that I have to put my phone with the top of the phone on the surface of the table so that the charge, by gravity, fits into the phone's port.   

I can do without the t.v. and the computer, if i must.  I can always knit or write my mom a letter or study with my flashcards, or answer prompts from the 'empowering questions' gift card set I got from a friend for my 50th birthday, but I WANT to be out walking around Seoul, seeing the sights, and breathing in the experiences, ya know?   I feel so.....like I have NO CONTROL over anything and I feel like I'm on an island in the middle of a large lake. I can see people. they're waving at me, but I can't hear them and we can't communicate and I'm sitting here alone.   

I don't like this feeling. Needless to say, I feel a little miserable.  I probably knew this would happen, but it is hard, just the same. I'm saying it straight up.  I'm struggling with feeling happy right now. It is HARD to be here in Korea, basically alone.  I've handled being alone before and it is likely that I have felt this way before, but just don't remember it.

That being said.  I'm the daughter of Paul and Candy Ford.  I'll figure this out.  I'll make it work. I know what I need to do--really. I need to work harder on learning Korean.  I probably need to walk (at home) even more than I do cos physical exercise is always good. I  need to get on the meet-up sights to make friends so we can do 'language exchange' dinners.   Once I get the phone situation worked out, I need to call the gal (and her husband) whom I met at the Seattle airport (and with whom I traveled all the way to Incheon Airport and start doing weekly language Zoom calls.  There is everything to do, but I feel arrested in this moment with no power on my phone, no way to communicate, and it feels like those things are my whole life and that I am paralyzed.    

Maybe y'all could do some extra praying for me?   I know this will work out. It'll all be good, eventually.  So, just keep throwing me the Barnabus vibes, wouldja?    

P.S. Later I'll write a more upbeat post about the trip to Seoul (hopefully, with some photos, but we'll see since the phone is acting up.) and I'll share whatever is good about this weekend's adventure.  Maybe I'll l get out of my funk soon!