I Cannot Leave

For C.L.

For Paul

Because you both made a difference

Adorkable, I do not want to leave your home right now, even if all we do is sit in your living room—under a blanket—watching a movie.

I do not want to leave your playfulness.

I do not want to leave the way you always make me laugh.

I do not want to leave how we can talk about nothing and everything, and you can know something and I can know something and—together—we can grow into people who are better than the people we were in the beginning.

I do not want to leave the fact that the more I get to know you—well, the more you make my little ol’ heart go pitter-patter.

I. do. not. want. to. leave.

And, I’m not completely certain that I can.

Superman, I do not want to leave your presence right now, even if all I do is sit in my living room—under a blanket—remembering all the little things, each one made special because you were a part of it.

I do not want to leave your ‘PROLLYs’ or your ‘NO-YEAH-BUTs’ or your ‘LORI-LORUS-LAVORUS-LIEBOWITZ-LILLIPUT-LIPSCHITZs.’

I do not want to leave your head thrown back in your full-hearted, happiness-inducing laughter.

I do not want to leave your explanations about the Rose of Sharon, or what hands on stomachs means or why sometimes decent people do things they don’t want to do because it is the RIGHT thing to do.

I do not want to leave how you could tell me you loved me—without words—with just the smile on your face.

I. do. not. want. to. do. it.

And, I’m not completely certain that I can.

I do not want to leave, but if I follow my heart and stay here with you, then I’ll be

Leaving those people who have loved, guided, and protected me these 23 years.

Leaving my illuminating job as a lower light, and

Leaving the only hope I’ll ever have of walking along that street of gold, and

Leaving GOD.

I do not want to leave either of you.

I. do. not. want. to. do. it.

But I cannot leave HIM.

I. can. NOT .do. it.

I cannot leave.