A busy day and Andrew

another find: 

• MOOD: accepting, accomplished
• MUSIC: the best was yet to come...bryan adams

 busy day and andrew

today was a little better emotionally. I am still a little hurt by the fact that another guy I have feelings for loves someone else. but I guess I might need to get my heart broken more often because I got a lot done around the house today.
i had the best time going through the papers. I laughed and laughed at the cards and letters that I went through. some of allen ira grossmans letter just cracked me up so much. i remember how funny he always was. how much he always made me laugh. I am thinking of writing him at his parents address. I also have sarah granger's address. I am thinking of writing her. going through those memories makes me realize how important those people were in my life and how much they made my life a better place. reading through the letters and going back through old memories, made me miss them and those times we shared together. what a different person i was then. even though most of the memories are good ones, I am so glad that life has changed me. and i am glad it is changing me still.
even though I can get depressed and don't always concentrate as intently as I'd know I should and wish I would on christ and the church, I am thankful for the change in me that learning about him and at least, endeavoring to follow Him, has wrought. the girl I used to be was really ugly in behavior.
Andrew called me tongiht while I was out with Kevin and Kim. I called him back and he just said that he wanted to know if I got his email and if it made sense. I told him it was good.=(and it is.. .i'll get over this) I wish I had the guts to tell him that I was a little hurt last night, but not because I felt that he had lied to me...which I don't...but that when he did change his mind, that he didn't change it for me, but for K. I can't say i'm really surprised. because I knew this was coming. My brain noticed his notice of her..and I knew he would choose her. but I allowed my heart to continue growing in my feelings towards him. I guess these feelings of heartbreak are basically my own fault. I should have known better. but sadly, i do that a lot. I see great qualities in a man and I allow my heart to feel, and feel, and feel. ssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I can't believe he called to see if I got it and if I understood. another reason to think he is totally a fabulous man.
I hate to get all depressing, but I do wonder when the fabulous man will choose me over the other girl. and more importantly, why do i even care about this: why can't i just let go? If i could make myself concentrate on something else..then I would be fine. but it is hard to do. I just keep feeling the "36" of it all. if I got pregnant TONIGHT... I'd have a baby sometime in May of next year.. about two months before i turned 37. so when that baby graduates from high school, I will be 55 years old.
i dont' really want to be alone for the rest of my life.
BUT.... ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. i got a lot of work done today at the house..and my first batch of ice cream is cooling away in the fridge. wooohooooo.

Inspired by Lana

 More finds from the other blog

Inspired by Lana

i was messing around on here and I saw some of Lana's posts. one of them was about poetry..mostly Mother's poetry. the subject line read. .when you see this. .post some of your own poetry...so i thought I would.

EPIPHANY

written on 06FEB03 and dedicated to Pattalee Glass-Koentop and Robert Bernd Dittrich, Jr.

While sitting in the car with him, talking after class, I remembered that while she was lying in that hospital bed dying, I noticed for the first time ever that her hair was just plain old brown with grey in it.

and my heart cried.

His heart felt my grief, and he pulled me over to his shoulder and comforted me with his friendship.

and I remember thinking, "I should love this heart."



The Lawnmower Poem:

Hello Wonderful Ms. Cody-


What a great way to start my day
An email from Cody, and I'm on my way
To conquer great worlds, and buy a lawn mower
so that the mobile home park guy won't say, "Let's tow-her
Because she won't mow her tiny, small lawn
And the grass that is there is about to spawn
millions of different kinds of weeds
who'll grow and grow and produce more seeds
who will give birth to some nefarious plants
and maybe even attract some ants
who'll eat all the plants and grow to great size
and climb up our houses and even capsize
them, and then where will we be with no houses to live in
and maybe we'll die and go straight to heaven
and since we're not ready to die yet, let's show her
that she must go out and buy a lawn mower."

so, Cody the thanks all goes to you
your email encouraged me to go put on my shoe(s)
and get out of the house and go shopping for
a lawn mower, weedeater, (and maybe a blower)!!!!!!!!!





AND HE SECRETLY STEALS MY HEART

Despite what seems like his arrogance and mean heart,

Sometimes, secretly, I still feel.


I mean it at the time when I say the words, "I do not want him!!."

And I mean it at the time when I say the words, "I cannot love he who does not honor me!"


So, then why? WHY? when he pierces my heart with his words does that little girl inside of me sob

"why does he not love me?"





HOMER, THE HERO BIRD

To Nathalie Ann's birthday, I wanted to go,

but when I called my dear sister, she firmly said, "NO,

You haven't seen your nieces and nephew for a year!!

I'll tell you quite truly; its all very clear

that their poor hearts are broken for their cries can be heard

three miles up in the air by a keen-eared Hero Bird."

The bird's name was simple: last name: Singsong, first name: Homer.

and he hailed from a town called Shawnee, Oklahoma.

His plans were to fly south to the North Pecan Isle.

He thought he would stop and give his friends a quick, "Hi Y'all!"

He was hoping for a meal and a cold diet coke,

and some time with his friend for some laughs and a joke.

He had left from his home Monday morning at sunrise,

and on his way South, he had QUITE a big surprise!

He was flying along deep in his own thoughts,

when he heard the loud cries of one of the tots.

He swiftly raced down to earth toward the cries.

He found the small girl and said, "Child, dry your eyes.

Stop those wet tears: take a deep breath or two!

and kindly tell me, dear child, what has happened to you."

The girl, whose name was Caroline Elisabeth,

took a deep breath...and started to hiccup.

She turned to little Hannah and said, "you do it, Sister,

these hiccups are causing my poor tongue to twister!"

So, Hannah stood up straight and took in some air

and opened her mouth, their story to share,

but, sadly, the gum in her mouth sealed it shut,

so, she signaled to brother to take the job up.

And as Garland began the story to say,

a butterfly flew past and he was off and away.

and, so Rebekah, the youngest of the great clan of Parker,

began to tell the tale from her seat on Mom's rocker.

"How much we miss our auntie is very hard to tell,

and when we try to do it, our eyes begin to swell,

with tears as big as gumdrops, and cries as loud as trains

and so for us to tell you will take so many pains"

she spoke with such a sweet, soft voice,

and her lips began to quiver,

"You see, our aunt is always busy, and we never are togever!!"

As Homer listened to the tale, his eyes filled up with water,

and he said, "I remember the same tale from my own sister's daughter"

So, I will fly to Maxwell to have a chat with Auntie

for of this type of situation, I remember plenty.

Now, I will leave to see your aunt and tell her what she must do.

I shall return with her in tow within one day...or two.

So, Homer flapped his wings and he took off in the sky,

and the minutes shant be counted that those children waved goodbye.

Now what occurred in Homer's absence, we will never know...

but great cheers filled the air when I returned in tow.

On Homer's wings we had swiftly flown from Maxwell on towards Spring,

and to try to tell the fun we had...Why, there isn't such a thing!!

Homer's kind heart and selflessness were sure impressive that day,

to put the needs of others over his big plans to play.

Thankfully, Homer's flights will never be just one-way,

and so I hope on Saturday, I'll hear a big, huge "Hooray!"

when I arrive, although late, at Nathalie Ann's birthday!!!

completed 21March01




and lastly:

RAINBOW...HAPPILY, WITHOUT BLUE
written 13NOV04

up at 5 a.m. driving north alone. watching at the yellow sun comes up.

4 quiet hours at 917. Lunch just mom and me. Homemade soup in a big red cup.

At Blalack, sitting next to Daddy. Red, White, and Blue on the gym walls. 2 veterans shoulder to shoulder.

Burgers at the Orange Joint with 'Melie Mac. Talk, laughter, and thanksgiving letters to 8 soldiers.

Alone again. driving south under a black sky. 1 full day. to the brim with love.

Too busy to be blue with missing her.

this last poem was written two days after the second anniversary of the death of my mother. She died on November 11th which is also Veteren's Day.

 

Hershal Glen French

this was a letter to help me deal with a situation that occurred yesterday.

14DEC05 2:00 p.m.

Dear Wesley David,
     I just wanted to communicate sensibly to you regarding the situation today at brother Stewart’s shop.
     Just a few minutes before the paramedics arrived Cindy sent me out to help with Frenchie.  The 911 operator had told her to send someone out there to keep the blood out of his airways.  I grabbed a roll of paper towels and rushed out there.  Oh, Wesley, I know you are used to seeing such things (since you are an EMT), but I am not!   I was HORRIFIED!
     I saw all that blood pooled around his head and caked in his nose, that large cut in his forehead, and I was horrified.  (And I don’t know for sure, but I think I saw his skull.)  It was truly one of the most horrific things I think I’ve ever seen.
     I knelt down beside him, and tore off a piece of paper towel.  I looked to see where I could help clear an airway.  I saw his tongue through his slightly open mouth and could hear his labored breathing.  His nose was clotted with two mounds of thick blood.  I thought I would start there.  I was trying to keep his nostrils clear, but all I was doing was blotting, blotting, BLOTTING blood.   Looking back now, the fact that fresh rivulets of blood kept flowing from his nose was probably a good sign, but at that moment, I was thinking, “He is STILL bleeding…more blood to add to the gallons of it here on the floor around me.”
    At one point, I remembered something I had heard on a radio program one dark night driving back from somewhere…so, I sucked it up, Wesley, and I reigned in the tears I’d been crying, and I lengthened the short breaths I’d been taking (quietly, I hoped) and I said, “Frenchie, the worst is over now.  Whatever needs to happen now will happen.  The worst is over now, Frenchie” and I kept blotting blood. 
    I never thought I’d be so happy to see paramedics in my lifetime.  I backed away from Frenchie,  trying to grab all those bloody paper towels, in order to get them out of y’all’s way.  I took the widest path around Frenchie that I could.  I just wanted those rushing paramedics to be able to help him as quickly as they could without me in the way.
     I never saw you, Wesley, until you walked in the office near the end of the whole ordeal.  But by then, I had spent 45 minutes pacing back and forth between the office and the warehouse…wondering and praying, wondering and praying.  Cindy asked me to answer phones so I tried to stay in the office as much as I could, but I was worried.  What I saw out there in the warehouse while kneeling next to Frenchie was bad, Wesley.  That forklift where Frenchie had been working before he fell…it looked so high; and the blood pooled around him looked like too much.  I couldn’t imagine how he could possibly survive all that!   I saw his skull!  It looked like the back of his head might have been crushed up, also.  When that paramedic named Dominguez came in to question Weldon and Steve about what happened, I became even more scared.   He said, “I saw a cane up there.  Does he usually use a cane?   Weldon answered, “Yes, but he was sitting.”  (I’m sure he expected Frenchie to be sitting all the way up there).  But Steve piped up, “No, he was standing.  He is so hardheaded.”
    Then Dominguez said, “You can’t allow this to happen again.  He is not hardheaded.  His head is all crushed up.    If he even makes it to surgery, he’ll be in there for a long time.”   And at that point, I thought the worst.
     By then, Cindy and I were rushing around the office trying to contact his two sons, one of whom doesn’t really care about his Daddy, and didn’t care that he had a head injury and was being rushed by helicopter to Brackenridge.
   It was utter chaos in there.  I was scared.  I was a mess inside.  I was trying very diligently not to break down in tears like I really wanted to do.  What I really wanted to do was hug my Mommy or my Daddy and feel safe.  I wanted to cry.  But I sat there in the chair dealing with it all.

And then you walked in.

Tall, trim, wearing a perfectly shiny, white shirt, and that clean-cut, boy-next-door hair cut.  There was a hero…someone who could save the day…someone who loves me and, under normal circumstances, would have gladly volunteered to fill in for parents and give that “cry ‘til you feel safe again” hug.  So, I, without thinking, went to get that hug.  I wasn’t thinking that it might not look professional.  I was only thinking, “Wesley is here. He loves me. He is my friend. He cares. His hug will heal this hurt I am feeling.”    And Wesley, I don’t know that I was fully aware of feeling those things. I just knew you could make things better because you were Wesley.

     I wrote these words in a stream of conscious several minutes shortly after you left.
I sorta felt that it might have seemed that I crossed barriers since I hugged you while you were at work…or at least that some, perhaps even you, might have thought so.
And, I just felt like I needed to let you know what I was thinking, and how I was feeling.  And even though I often tease you about being such a hottie, and flirt with you way too much, I want you to know that your importance to me is much more wholesome and much deeper than how you look.
   I love you, Wesley David Hopkins.  You are my friend.  You are my brother in Christ.  I believe in you.  I feel safe with you. I trust you. I look up to you. I adore you…and I’m glad to have a friend like you in my life.
   I just thought you should know it.

With so much affection that my heart is about to burst,

Loralee

Another find... 

inspired by a moment, part I

presidential question

His face wisps across my mind.

when it appears clearly...and only for a moment...

a smile comes, unbidden, every single time.

He challenges my mind and we share so many dreams.

The world is full of possibilities for the two of us, it seems.

He brings laughter to my heart and to my voice.

but sadly, soon, I must make a choice.

His heart is God's, but not completely.

I must ask myself, "What can he mean to me?"

 

for Paul

Found on another website 

inspired by a moment, part II

Walking with him at the lights

His hands were in his pockets because it was night-time, it was December, and it was cold.

My arm was linked with his as we walked through the Trail Of Lights.

As we walked along, our bodies in motion, I felt the top of his hipbone brush continually against my wrist,

And it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

And even more so, it felt like a harbinger of the future, of sorts.

You know, that sometime, somewhere in our future when the idea that me touching his hip would be a very natural, very allowable thing to do. And I’m not even talking in a sexual way. I’m talking about the natural ownership between a husband and a wife.

Quite like that song by maroon five called Sunday morning. Some of the lyrics just seem to illustrate that kind of comfortable proprietary feeling.

"steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in…

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends":

So back to my thought: that moment, walking with Paul, I could feel that feeling, so slightly, but so wonderfully.

I reveled in that feeling! and was so excited by the idea that this could ever happen with us. I realize that the possibility is slim, but it was a moment and a feeling I cherish.

for Paul, again.

HATGCT

Something unfinished and unrefined from another website

 HOMER AND THE GOVERNOR'S CHRISTMAS TREE-

It was snowing in Shawnee , Oklahoma that day,

and Homer, the Hero bird was NOT going to stay!!

"It is time to flee from the cold that is here.

I shall fly south toward the ones who are dear."

So,  Homer donned a warm cap, and a scarf which was green;

and then up and away, he was off to the sea.

"In Rockport, I'll visit Joanna, Faith, Caleb, and Clay

and on the beach we shall all share one fun, Fun, FUN day!!!

So, Homer was flying south with Billy Joel in his earphones,

when he was distracted quite suddenly by some loud sobbing moans.

Homer was three miles up... just above Colorado and eleventh

and he said, "I'll stop just a bit. This won't take but a second."

and there in the gazebo on the Governor's grounds,

sat a curly haired girl who was sporting a frown.

(the tears which flowed from her gigantic blue eyes)     this part i am working on..something about big blue eyes and tears

(lalalallalalalalalala to be inserted this line)           and this line needs to rhyme it.    hahahahah

She was crying and yelling at a bedraggled little dolly.

"Cordelia  McGillicutty!!  This is YOUR FAULT...well, prob'ly."

"I can't put this  star on the Governor's tree!

It is two thousand feet tall.  That is too tall for me!!"

"This tree must be finished, but I JUST don't know how!!

Cordie. you MUST fix this problem, and you MUST FIX IT NOW!!!"

Homer flew down and asked, "Child, what is your name?"

She said, "My mom is  Callie Crabapple and I am the same"

Homer asked the small girl, "Child, why are you fussing??

"That attitude you have won’t get you nothing!"

"It is always nicer to be nice to another,

like your best friend, your dolly, your cat, or your mother"

"Now, why don’t you start with your small precious toy?"

and then Callie Crabapple exclaimed with great joy,

"you mean if I acted and spoke nicely to others

Like Dad, Uncle Steve, my teacher, and brothers

And I change my tone and the way that I say

Things to other people, it could be that they

Will be nice also and help little me

Put this bright star on that very tall tree?"

"Why, yes, it could happen" said Homer quite lightly

"In fact, by tonight it could be shining quite brightly

on the very tip top of that tall pretty tree.

Shining QUITE brightly for all who can see!!"

"Hooray!!" yelled Callie, "I"ll start being nice NOW!!"

"That’s sure to make a difference in this problem somehow"

Callie picked up little Cordie and hugged her with glee.

She said, "Cordie, Won’t you please forgive me?"

At that moment, Governor Perry walked out of his house.

He’d been standing there, listening, as quiet as a mouse.

"Homer," said he, "you are as kind as you are wise."

"and today," he shouted, "this big state I"ll apprise"

" of the fact that next Tuesday we’ll call Homer Hero Day"

"We'll have big parades and UT’s band will play"

"Now didn’t you have a problem to fix?"

I could loan you my ladder, but that plan I will nix"

"the best plan," said the governor," is to use Homer’s beak

to pick up Callie and fly to the peak

of the very bright, tall Christmas tree in the mansion

"why, with that star up there, my tree’ll be quite handsome"

so Homer obeyed the leader of our state,

and when he was finished, he quickly made haste,

Once again, he was off, up into the sky,

And the minutes can’t be counted that those Texans waved goodbye.

He arrived in Rockport just in time for dinner.

And as he fell asleep that night, he knew the day had been a winner.

It sure felt nice to know that he’d spent it being a helper.

And he fell asleep dreaming of his next big adventure!

The Bliss of Amnesia

 I found this poem on a website that I had forgotten I had.

The Bliss of Amnesia

Never before have I been as close to death as I was on Wednesday.
I saw his skull through the layers of blood & tissue.
I saw the blood pool around his head.
I heard his labored breathing as he struggled to survive.
I tried to help and who knows if I did, but I hope I did with my whispered words.
I hope he left our world with at least a modicum of peace because part of me feels as if I shall never feel totally at peace again.
I long for the moment when, like the hazy face that you want to remember but can't, I can no longer clearly see the image of Glen's battered, twisted, and bloody body on the warehouse floor.

12/16/2005

Cuibhreach Le nil Gra

December 15, 2008

Current Mood: Hurt 

Her words make chains that bind me

To the pain I always feel

When I hear what she says behind me

Those words do nothing but steal

The peace I felt when she tucked me in,

The love I felt when she gave me him,

The bond I felt when she took a stance

and did my hair on the day I danced

The pride I felt when she said that day

That words are the court where I hold sway

But all that flies when she says those things

And the preacher speaks when the church bell rings

And out of his mouth come these words of truth

about how little I am really worth.

Does ANY love flow from her heart to mine?

Will my questions be answered with the passing of time?

When I need wiping of tears or smoothing of hair

Can I ever be certain that she will be there?

I'll tell you the truth; and lie, I will not.

I really just want what it feels I ain't got.

Like a hug or a cuddle in an old rockin' chair

or the tiniest piece of her heart she will share.

But, her words build chains that bind me

To the pain I always feel 

when I hear what she says behind me

And I fear that I never shall heal.

Covid Schmovid

 13DEC20

Covid Schmovid

The red, white, and blue of 'Old Glory' is waving--stridently--in a cold Winter wind.

Trees are half-dressed with bright yellow, magenta, and orange leaves.

Monochromatic gray and white clouds are covering the sky.

Little black birdies, sitting side-by-side on the top of a beige building, are chirping their happiness.

God, via his servant the beautiful Mother Nature, is telling us that everything is going to be okay.

I am the luckiest girl in the world and I'm gonna keep on truckin'.