A busy day and Andrew

another find: 

• MOOD: accepting, accomplished
• MUSIC: the best was yet to come...bryan adams

 busy day and andrew

today was a little better emotionally. I am still a little hurt by the fact that another guy I have feelings for loves someone else. but I guess I might need to get my heart broken more often because I got a lot done around the house today.
i had the best time going through the papers. I laughed and laughed at the cards and letters that I went through. some of allen ira grossmans letter just cracked me up so much. i remember how funny he always was. how much he always made me laugh. I am thinking of writing him at his parents address. I also have sarah granger's address. I am thinking of writing her. going through those memories makes me realize how important those people were in my life and how much they made my life a better place. reading through the letters and going back through old memories, made me miss them and those times we shared together. what a different person i was then. even though most of the memories are good ones, I am so glad that life has changed me. and i am glad it is changing me still.
even though I can get depressed and don't always concentrate as intently as I'd know I should and wish I would on christ and the church, I am thankful for the change in me that learning about him and at least, endeavoring to follow Him, has wrought. the girl I used to be was really ugly in behavior.
Andrew called me tongiht while I was out with Kevin and Kim. I called him back and he just said that he wanted to know if I got his email and if it made sense. I told him it was good.=(and it is.. .i'll get over this) I wish I had the guts to tell him that I was a little hurt last night, but not because I felt that he had lied to me...which I don't...but that when he did change his mind, that he didn't change it for me, but for K. I can't say i'm really surprised. because I knew this was coming. My brain noticed his notice of her..and I knew he would choose her. but I allowed my heart to continue growing in my feelings towards him. I guess these feelings of heartbreak are basically my own fault. I should have known better. but sadly, i do that a lot. I see great qualities in a man and I allow my heart to feel, and feel, and feel. ssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I can't believe he called to see if I got it and if I understood. another reason to think he is totally a fabulous man.
I hate to get all depressing, but I do wonder when the fabulous man will choose me over the other girl. and more importantly, why do i even care about this: why can't i just let go? If i could make myself concentrate on something else..then I would be fine. but it is hard to do. I just keep feeling the "36" of it all. if I got pregnant TONIGHT... I'd have a baby sometime in May of next year.. about two months before i turned 37. so when that baby graduates from high school, I will be 55 years old.
i dont' really want to be alone for the rest of my life.
BUT.... ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. i got a lot of work done today at the house..and my first batch of ice cream is cooling away in the fridge. wooohooooo.