From the Cobwebs: Ides of March

16 Mar 06 Thursday The Ides of March Current mood: contemplative Yesterday was the Ides of March...the well known anniversary of the death of Julius Caeser. The story goes that a soothsayer gave him a warning about that middle day of the month of March in 44BC. Some say that he tried to stay inside that day, but that he was eventually convinced by Brutus to come along to the Senate meeting anyway. His enemies killed him at that meeting, thereby etching him and that date into the collective consciousness of educated people for centuries. That day has another meaning for me. In 1986, the Ides of March was on a Saturday. I remember that fact because it was the day that I took the SAT test my junior year. Mom was driving me to Smithson Valley High School for the test. I remember it being a cloudy day (which are my favorites) and we were driving along Loop 1604 in mom's car/truck thing. (You know those ones that were popular in the mid 80's. A car in the front and a truck in the back...kinda like a mullet...business in the front, party in the back!! ) I remember having a conversation with mom while we were on our way to the test. Suddenly, I remembered what day it was and the historical significance of it. I mentioned it to her and I also remarked that perhaps, since I remembered this tiny fact in the car, that, perhaps, I might not do too badly on this important test. I remember her gruff yet somehow encouraging reply that I would do fine and that I should quit worrying myself. I remember nothing else about that day except for that one minute snippet. I don't remember the test, the ride home, or absolutely anything else...except that interaction with my mom. I think I remember it because (back then) the moments when I felt encouraged and appreciated by her were so few and far between. Of course, things have changed now. As she and I have both matured, I have grown to really like and respect her. And she has gotten softer and grown more openly loving. The funny thing is this: I know in hindsight that Mom certainly did the very best she could and chose to do what she thought was best for me and my three siblings. So, this leads me to wonder why in the world I ( a person who had two parents who loved her) has so few happy memories from childhood? Also, knowing that she did try her best and yet the result was still what it was...how can I change the future? If ever I am blessed with a Christian husband and a few little ones, will my babies not have many good memories also? even though I KNOW that I will strive diligently to make them feel loved? Will I simply follow the familiar path and example of my parents? Is there something I can do differently? Cuz, you know, sometimes doing just one thing differently can change the world. After all, think what would have happened if Julius Caeser had stayed home.